Thank God (or whomever claims to be in charge) that 2008 is over

Dear 2008,

Thanks for playing. You will go down on record as simply one of the worst years ever. I wouldn't let you wipe my Dad's ass with your bare hands. Congratulations! Well done, indeed.

Last year I said that 2008 couldn't be any worse than 2007. The year before that I said that 2007 couldn't be any worse than 2006. In both cases I was wrong. So here's to assuming that 2009 will be worse than 2008 - hell, I might as well go with the trend, right? It's the safe bet, although I can't fathom what could get worse in my life. Then again, if someone had told me a year ago that on New Year's Eve 2008/9 I'd be unemployed, 40 years old and living with my parents in Chicago I would have said that that was absolutely impossible, and yet here I am.

I guess I shouldn't try to imagine what, in the past, has been unimaginable. But then again, why not give it a shot? What the hell could go wrong in 2009 that would be worse than where I am today? We here at PNYC Chicago branch decided to come up with a list of a few things that are unimaginable today that would dramatically worsen my life. Here goes - and by the way, if anyone out there has any suggestions, we are most certainly open to them and thanks in advance for contributing.

1. Cancer. I had a "mass of unknown genesis" found in my chest early in 2008 (thanks again 2008!!). For a several weeks I was operating under the assumption that it was a cancerous tumor the size of a golf ball. It turned out to be benign but let me tell you, that was a long ass couple of weeks. Perhaps in 2009 it will be for real.
   
   
2. Alzheimers!! My Dad's got it bad. Just this morning he crapped in his bed for the third time in the past week. He doesn't know what year it is. He doesn't know his wife's or sons' names. He keeps saying he wants to go live in L.A. with his mother and father, whom he hated (didn't even invite to his own wedding he hated them so much) and have been dead for over a decade. Here's to living with Dignity! Perhaps I'll get diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's this year. I'm absent minded as it is so it's not a stretch. That would be FUN.
   
   
3. Homelessness. I have to assume that being homeless is worse than living with one's parents at the age of 40, but not by much. We'll see. Anything's possible, right?
   
   
4. Forced exile in Darfur/Afganistan/Cleveland. Do I really have to explain?
   
   
5. Prosecuted for a crime I didn't commit and sentenced to life in Leavenworth where I would be repeatedly gang raped. I watch a lot of Law & Order and there was an episode on last night about a perfectly nice guy who did nine (count 'em: 9) years for a crime he didn't commit. As the saying goes, guys like me don't do well in prison, know what I mean?

On the other hand, a small portion of the staff at Pedro's thought this line of thought to be unfair. For every action there is a reaction, right? A Yin to the Yang, so to speak. So here are a couple of things that would be just great and insure that 2009 would be, by any measurement, better than 2008. Here goes:

1. A job! I can't even get a job at The Gap so I'm not holding out much hope for anything here. Frankly, I just don't know what to do about this. I've got a $300,000 education (not in current dollars, btw) and apparently I'm not qualified to stack boxes in the back of Banana Republic. During November I applied to approximately 15 potential employers about either part time or seasonal help and I ended up with only two interviews. One went poorly and I didn't get it. In the other, they checked my background and then called a former employer. The former employer they called didn't get the call, rather her Chicago representitive did and she said that I'd never worked there. In fact, I worked (and continue to work) on a consulting basis for the owner in Connecticut, not some fucking retard in the Chicago showroom. Anyway, the potential employer (J. Crew, btw) turned me down because they thought that I lied on my application. Un-fucking-believable, right? This is what I deal with.
   
   
2. Resolution to my lawsuit. I was hit by a car while crossing the street, in the cross walk, on a green light, at the corner of 54th Street and First Avenue on November 20, 2007 (thanks 2007!). As a result of that accident I have two blown disks in my neck and can't feel my left middle or index fingers, which is just a fucking drag. Have you ever tried typing with no feeling in the middle and index fingers of your left hand? So long, typing efficiency!! It was nice knowin' ya! And I can't pick up anything small (coins, for example) off the floor, and doing buttons is impossible with my left hand. Furthermore, my upper back and neck are constantly in pain: sitting through a long flight or even a long movie is decidedly uncomfortable, and that shit's forever. Mr. Scott Fairclough from Connecticut, the operator of the vehicle that hit me, went home, probably had dinner and a cocktail and went to sleep. I ended up in soul crushing agony for months and my life will never, ever, ever be the same. All I did was go to the gym and supermarket. All this guy did was run me over and then go home. For that I got almost $30,000 in medical bills and permanent physical damage. I wonder what he got? A slight raise in insurance premiums, most likely. I'll trade him straight up any fucking day.
   
   
3. My own apartment. Wow, would that be nice. I could watch tv in peace. I could cook when I want. I could have some privacy! Ohh, what sweet dreams, to have privacy. I'd kill for 400 square feet somewhere, hell, even in fucking Cleveland if I had a job there. Anything but living with my parents. Ugh. Get. Me. The. Fuck. Outta. This. Place.
   

That's it. I'm not aiming for the stars, here, I don't think. Just some basics, right? Anyway, here's to hoping the best for your 2009. As the old Irish blessing goes,

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Best of luck, Y'All. I miss you all very much and hope to see you soon. Until I post again, I remain

Your Pedro